Baby Steps of a Muslimah

Salam

The hardest thing to do when wanting to become a better person is fighting your own inner demons.

It’s even harder when you are alone, literally.

Ya Allah, please grant me easiness to get through this test of Yours. Amin.

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Salam

Yesterday, I had an asthma attack. Actually, I’ve had it for nearly three days already, but perhaps due to my own stubbornness, I refuse to go to the hospital to get treatment. But, yesterday, I said to myself, ok, I’m going to the Accidents & Emergency Department.

The nurse called me, asked my symptoms, why I went to AED, and I replied, with a shaky breath, ‘ampus’ or in English, asthma. She immediately hooked me up on salbutamol on the nebulizer.

Huhu, the last time I was on the nebulizer was when I was 5 or maybe 6. It was painful, but I need it to breathe properly. I’m not sure how long I was on the nebulizer, but I did miss my turn to see the doctor. When I did finally see the doctor, he prescribed me prednisolone (which the doctor at the Health Centre should have prescribed when I met her just that morning), and a new dose of salbutamol inhaler (as I have used up mine).

This incident totally remind me to muhasabah diri. Allah has covered the sins, by not revealing it to others, so in order for me to really taubat is for Him to cleanse me of those sins that He has covered, I need some sort of illness as kafarah for all the bad things I did. Terasa banar lah yg Allah tagur atu.

Again, this is minute compared to what Gaza people are suffering right now. Totally minute. The aid that was going to be sent has not arrived. I may have asthma, but at the same time, I can just grab the blue inhaler (salbutamol) prescribed by the doctor for immediate relief, or if it’s not sufficient, drive myself to the nearest AED to get salbutamol via the nebulizer. The asthma sufferrers (if there are any) in Gaza do not have such luxury.

So, let’s all take a stand and boycott Israeli products and products that are produced by companies that fund Israel. If you cannot boycott 100%, at least try to boycott maybe 70% or 50% or 30%, after all,

sa’atan fa sa’atan

step by step, sedikit demi sedikit.

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Salam

These few days at work has really been taxing me physically, mentally and emotionally.

“Sesiapa yang Allah mahukan dirinya berada dalam kebaikan, diujinya dia itu dengan kesusahan.” (Hadis Riwayat al-Bukhari dan Muslim)

So, insyaAllah, these taxing few days, are a blessing in disguise.

Badan ngalih.

Kepala sakit.

Emosi inda betantu.

But it’s all gonna be worth it, insyaAllah.

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Salam

Aku mengingat kembali pada hari pertama aku mengenakan tudung seperti yang dinyatakan dalam surah An-Nur ayat 31

“Katakanlah kepada wanita yang beriman: “Hendaklah mereka menahan pandangan mereka, dan memelihara kemaluan mereka, dan janganlah mereka menampakkan perhiasan mereka kecuali yang (biasa) nampak daripadanya. Dan hendaklah mereka menutupkan kain tudung ke dada mereka…” (Surah an-Nur, ayat 31).

Itu hari yang bersejarah dalam hidupku, dimana aku mengenali islam semula setelah beberapa tahun meninggalkannya . Pada hari itu juga, perjuanganku untuk mengatakan sayonara kepada jahilliyah bermula.

Walaupun sudah dekat dua tahun aku berada dijalan ini, ‘perang’ ku dengan jahilliyah yang masih tersisa dalam diriku masih berterusan, membuang sesuatu benda yang sudah sebati dengan diri kita bukannya sesuatu yang senang, ianya satu proses yang agak lama, tetapi alhamdulillah, ada juga certain jahilliyah dimana aku sudah betul – betul bisa mengatakan sayonara padanya.

Aku bertanya pada diriku tadi, apakah yang membuat aku kekadang lalai? Setentunya kerana bekas – bekas jahilliyah yang tersisa!

Terima kasih pada yang telah mengingatkan ku tentang ini, walaupun dari peringatanmu itulah aku terasa macam diriku ditampar dengan begitu kuat sekali, tetapi aku memang perlu tamparan itu untuk bangun dari ‘lena’ ku ini.

Kerana aku sama sekali tidak mahu Allah menggantikanku dengan orang lain untuk jalanNya ini!

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Assalamualaikum

No, I’m not sick of the sick as in 38 degree fever sick, but sick as in I’m just sick of it all.

Truthfully, I don’t know until when I can stand this.

It is true that Allah will not burden His servant more than what the servant can cope, but I know I can’t cope with it. I just could not. I don’t have the skills nor the patience to deal with it.

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Assalamualaikum

Hati ini memang sudah lama mahu menulis, dan meluahkan curhat disini, tetapi Allah tidak mengizinkannya. Alhamdulillah, kali ini, sampai masa untuk curhat disini.

What have I been doing this past few months? Or what have I not been doing this past few months?

I guess I do not need to answer that question. Aku tahu apa yang aku buat dan Allah tahu apa yang aku buat.

Terkadang terasa lemah untuk meneruskan perjuangan ini, terkadang terasa diri ini tak mampu.

Pernah sekali, aku rasa sedih, aku rasa down, aku rasa terrible yang teramat dalam.

Aku tahan hatiku dari menangis, aku cakap pada diriku sendiri, ‘Sabar Amy, korbankan saja perasaan itu’

Aku pun membelek fail ku…

Alangkah gembiranya hatiku, bila kakak tu menulis,

‘Semoga diberi kekuatan untuk mendidik anak-anak islam,’

Bulan Mac sudah berlalu pergi, kini tiba bulan April…

Ada sesuatu yang ku tunggu bulan ini… biarlah ianya menjadi rahsia dulu…

Perkara yang ku tunggu bulan ini akan mentest setinggi mana level tawakkal ku kepada Sang Pencipta, Yang Maha Mengetahui lagi Maha Memberi Rezeki…

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Bismillah

Assalamualaikum

It has been a while. What have I been up to now?

Alhamdulillah, I have been accepted to be a teacher (muallimah) at a school, to teach maths and science to primary 4 – 6. With it, comes cubaan, pasal apa jua hidup ani mun nada mehnah (ujian), kan Allah ada mention in one of his surah, ‘Adakah kamu mengaku beriman, jika kamu tak di uji?’ and dlm Al-Baqarah:286, ‘la yukallifullah hu nafsan illa usaha’, Allah tidak membebankan seseorang lebih dari apa yg ia mampu.

Masa mengajar ani, terasa apa yang dalam diri tani yg tani tau menyasakkan bagas cigu tani, ada dalam diri student tani.  Tani nda buat homework/assignment/report dan yg sewaktu dengannya… rupanya sasak cigu/lecturer tani dgn perangai tani atu… tani payah kan faham, rupanya sasak bisdurang tepaksa explain balik2.

Ada lagi jenis student mulut laser, in other words, krajanya kan membawa kelahi cigu. Huhu, contoh, my student ani, on my first day at work.

‘Boys, girls, please tell me your names,’ I said.

‘Anna’ answered a girl timidly.

‘Louder,’ I said.

‘Anna’ she said again.

‘Louder’, I said. ‘I can’t hear you’

Udah atu, ada tia, penyibuk dlm kelas becakap, ‘tuli kali cigu ani’

Huhu, ouch. Rupanya ada jua jenis student yg krajanya membawa kelahi cigu. Huhu.

Huhu, asif jiddan sahabat, diri ani tarus tia curhat sama muhasabah di sini.

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Bismillahirrahmanirrahim

Assalamualaikum

A thousand apologies to readers of this blog (if there are any) for the lack of updates, but let me just convey a happy Aidiladha to all the muslims in the world.

It was a sombre aidiladha in Brunei (at least for my family) as grandma (and a couple of uncles and aunties) was off to Miri for aidiladha celebration with our extended family in Miri, and this is the first aidiladha when grandpa was no longer around.

Aidiladha is a celebration to remind us of nabi Ibrahim’s willingness to sacrifice his son Ismail to Allah, and nabi Ismail’s willingness to be sacrificed for Allah, also Siti Hajar (nabi Ibrahim’s wife and nabi Ismail’s mother)’s willingness to sacrifice her son for Allah. Their sacrifice is to show their devotion and love for Allah, as nabi Ibrahim is also known as khalilullah.

For us, ladies, Siti Hajar is one of the women that we should strive to be. Just imagine, after she gave birth to Ismail, Allah commanded nabi Ibrahim to leave her and her son at a barren land. It was said that she asked her husband why he left them there, and he did not answer her. The third time she asked, she asked if it is Allah’s command, and nabi Ibrahim answered, ‘Yes’, and immediately she answered, ‘Leave us, Allah will always be with us’. Put ourselves in Siti Hajar’s shoes, would we be able to let our husbands leave us at a barren land?

In a quest for water for her child’s sustenance, she ran from mount Safa and mount Marwan seven times in search of water, and after that seven times, water gushed out from the area near Ismail’s feet (which became Zam Zam water well now) and Makkah developed after that. For remembrance in her quest for water, Haj pilgrims have to run from Safa to Marwan 7 times in a tradition called Sa’I.

Then, when Ismail was old enough to help his father, Allah has commanded Ibrahim to sacrifice his son for Allah. Hajar was willing for her husband to sacrifice their son for Allah (Ismail was then exchanged with a sacrifice in the form of a big animal). Mothers (and would be mothers, insyaAllah), would you willing to sacrifice your sons and daughters for Allah?

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Bismilllahirrahmanirrahim

Assalamualaikum

Alhamdulillah! Convocation went well on Saturday. I was very nervous, especially when I was on the first four rows (immediately behind the persons who are getting their Master’s), but everything went well, smiled at HM and remembered to thank HM, and then off I went back to my seat.

Words cannot describe what it feels to hold that undergraduate degree cert in my hands.  I just felt so content and happy. Thank you, Allah, for making it come true.

Thanks to my parents, who supported me all through the years I spent as a student, thanks to the government of Brunei who sponsored my study in UBD, thanks to my lecturers who graciously shared with me their ilmu, and most of all, thanks to all my friends who were there during the ups and downs, who listened to my rants, my complaints and offered their shoulders for me to cry on.

The bachelor’s degree is just a small step, there’s quite a lot of steps in front of me. The learning process never stops, there are ilmu for ukhrawi that I need to attain as well.

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